A Friendship Lost
by Eve2006
Summary: *** Beware References to suicide *** Sam is struggling to cope with a loss,while Dean is struggling to help his brother. Limp Sam - Protective Big Brother Dean. Please Read and Review


**A Friendship Lost**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

**A/N 1: **Beware that this story contains references to suicide. Pre-series, Dean is 19 and Sam is 14 going on 15.

**A/N 2:** I wrote this story over the Christmas holidays but was unable to get someone to Beta this for me so all mistakes are mine. If anyone is interested in helping me out with future stories just let me know – although I am going through some writers block at the moment so there may not be too much to beta!!!

SNSNSNSNSNSNSN

It's funny how everything you believe in; everything that seems to make sense can be destroyed by a single act, leaving you shattered and unable to make sense of the world around you.

Sam Winchester was reeling, he knew it, Dean knew it, hell even his father knew it, but there was nothing any of them could seem to do to stop it.

SNSNSNSNSNSN

They had been staying in another crappy small town, in the middle of God knows where for the past year. It had surprised Dean even more than Sam that they had lasted this long, their previous record stay in one place had been six months and even that had mainly been the result of Dean getting a bad case of Pneumonia and needing to stay put in order to regain his strength.

But apparently it suited John Winchester to stay here, as all the hunts in the past year had been no more than a few days drive in either direction and therefore this town was a perfect base camp, as his Dad would say.

Dean would have happily moved on by now, he was finding it hard to brush of the very clingy Erica, seriously the one night they were together was just not worth the stalker he had attracted. But deep down he didn't really mind, stalker Erica was worth it when he saw how happy his little brother was and even more how little his Dad and Sam were fighting now. For some time now, Dean thought that they would end up physically going at it, their fights were becoming that bad, but ever since they had settled here, Sammy seemed to be happy enough to train, hunt at the weekends and generally follow their Dads orders.

Sam, as usual, had got himself a best friend, a stray that he had apparently met on the first day of school and with whom he had immediately bonded. The kid, Mattie, had seemingly been an outcast in school and was only too happy to latch on to Sam. Dean on the other hand had been less than impressed, not wanting to admit that he was a little jealous of the time that they spent together, but as he got to know Mattie he couldn't help but like him especially when he realised that Sam was the happiest he had been in been in what seemed to be a very long time. So if Mattie was able to make Sam happy, well he was alright by Dean.

However right now Mattie was the cause of his little brothers' distress and for that Dean could never forgive him.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSN

Three Days Earlier

Dean had been covering a shift at the local garage for his Dad, who had gone out of town on a hunt. The owner of the garage was a good man, and had agreed, after a good cover story, that when John had to go out of town to look after his sick "sister", Dean could cover his shifts. He was half way through his shift when he got a call from Sam's school telling him he needed to get there straight away. A minute later he was behind the wheel of the Impala.

As he ran through the corridor of the school, the secretary's voice rang through his head. She wouldn't tell him what had happened, just that he needed to get to the school, but there was something in her voice that had his stomach in knots. As he reached the office, he took a deep breath, trying desperately to quell the feeling of unease that was coursing through him.

He opened the door and saw Sam, sitting on a chair, staring straight ahead and perfectly intact.

"Thank God" Dean thought and was about to make his way to his brother when the Principals door opened.

"Dean, thanks for coming so quickly, would you step into my office for a moment and then you can take Sam home." Ms Hickey said with a small smile.

"Yeah, sure." Dean replied, but turned to Sam and noticed that he was still sitting in the same way, as if unaware of Dean's presence. He was shaken out of his thoughts as the principal cleared her throat and he headed into the office, never taking his eyes of his little brother.

"Why don't you have a seat Dean," Ms Hickey asked as she pointed to the seat in front of him.

"I'd rather you just tell me what's going on?" Dean replied, as the relief he had felt at seeing Sam began to disappear by the second.

Nodding her head the Principal moved in front of Dean and leaned on the back of the chair that she had just offered to him.

"I'm sorry Dean, I have some really bad news, Mathew Reid was found dead this morning."

Ok, maybe Dean was having a slow morning but for the life of him he could not work out who Mathew Reid was and what any of this had to do with Sam and why he was in the principals office. Dean had been expecting Mattie to be in here with Sam when he came in, couldn't find one without the other lately and with that it hit Dean like a lightening bolt – Mattie. The colour drained from Dean's face as he turned and looked out the window that separated him from his brother, who was still staring into space.

"Mattie, you mean Mattie? What the hell happened?" Dean asked without taking his eyes off Sam.

"He committed suicide Dean." She responded.

Dean spun around to face her so quickly that he almost lost his balance.

"What do you mean, suicide? I know this kid; he wouldn't do something like that. He and Sam have been inseparable since we got here…" Dean's rant faded away as he once again turned to look at Sam.

Staring at his brother, who continued to find the wall in front of him captivating, Dean barely registered the information the principal was providing. His mind picked out words such as "parents found him", "left a note" and "not sure why" but all he could focus on was the heart wrenching sight in front of him. His little brother's best friend had killed himself, how do you deal with that? In that moment, he didn't need to hear anymore or want to hear anymore, all he needed was his brother.

It didn't take long for his feet to catch up with his brain and was out the door leaving a startled principal in his wake. It only took a few strides until he was kneeling in front of his little brother, his hand subconsciously finding itself on Sam's shoulder.

Seemingly startled by the contact, Sam started to jerk away until his eyes found themselves staring into the familiar eyes of his brother.

"Hey Dean" Sam said so quietly that Dean had to strain to hear him. His brother looked so lost that Dean felt his heart ache.

"Hey Sammy, you ready to blow this Popsicle stand?" He asked, giving his brother a small smile, his hand automatically moving to the back of Sam's neck. The only response he got from his brother was a slight nod of his head, before he stood up, grabbed his bag and walked out of the room, leaving his big brother trailing in his wake.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSN

The drive back to the house they were renting was relatively short, but the silence in the car was so deafening that Dean thought that it would never end. Sam was sitting beside him, not having said a word since the school office, just staring out the window. For once in his life, Dean felt totally out of his depth, he had no idea how to help his brother, what to say to make this easier for Sam. This was definitely uncharted territory for him, he had always been able to comfort Sam, help him through times of hurt and pain, after all that's what big brothers did, they protected their little brothers.

Arriving back at the house, Dean let out a sigh as he turned to face Sam, surprised to find already making his way out of the Impala. Following his brother into the house, Dean found Sam making a sandwich.

"Hey Dean, you want something to eat or are you heading straight back to work?" Sam asked as he continued making his sandwich.

Dean was sure that his brother would have seen his mouth fall open if he had been facing him.

"Sam, I'm not leaving you here on your own?" Dean replied.

"Why?" Sam responded, his voice eerily neutral, as he turned around with his now plated sandwich and proceeded to move to the table to eat it.

"Why Sam, why do you think? Your best friend has just died, I'm not going to leave you here on your own." Dean answered as he moved to sit beside his brother at the table.

"Why?" Sam replied, and Dean was surprised at the lack of emotion in Sam's voice. Looking at his brother's face, he realised that for the first time, he could not read his brothers face. His little brother was stone faced, showing no emotion at all and for some reason, this scared him more than he wanted to admit.

"What do you mean "why"? Sam, Mattie is dead and you want me to go back to work?"

"Well Dean, the way I see it, that was his choice. I mean that was the goal he set out to achieve isn't it? He wanted to die and now he's dead, so he's achieved his mission. You better head back to work, Dad will go mad if you mess his work up at the garage." Dean watched as Sam took a bite out of his sandwich, and for all intensive purposes looked as if he hadn't a care in the world.

"You don't mean that Sam. Come on, talk to me, I mean Mattie was your best friend…" Dean started, only to be cut off by his brother.

"Was being the operative word Dean, past tense. Anyway he wasn't my best friend, if he was he would have told me what he was planning on doing, not just go off, leaving me without giving any explanation as to why." Moving away from the table, Sam went to the bin, dumping the remains of his sandwich before moving to the sink to wash his plate.

"Sam, he…" Dean tried again.

"Dean, just leave it will you. I don't want to talk about it. You better get back to work otherwise Dad will be mad." Sam said as he moved passed him and headed up the stairs.

"Sam." Dean called out, watching as his brother stop his procession up the stairs, but not turning to face him. "You be alright here on your own?"

"Yeah Dean, I'll be fine. See ya later." Sam responded as he continued on his way.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSN

Dean had called his Dad the day it happened, not surprised when it went straight to voicemail. His Dad had called him back a couple of hours later and when Dean had told him what had happened and how he was worried about Sam's behaviour, John told him he would contact Bobby to finish the hunt and he'd be home as soon as possible.

Part of Dean was relieved that his Dad was coming because he was at a loss at how to help Sam, but his father coming home and abandoning the hunt had him scared. He had never known his father to walk away from a hunt except when he felt there was an even greater threat to his family.

Three days passed, and no matter what Dean or his Dad tried, they couldn't get Sam to talk to them about Mattie. Even the mere mention of his name had Sam rolling his eyes to heaven and leaving the room.

"He's in shock Dean, he's just not ready to deal with it. We need to give him time." John said as he sat at the table, watching as his eldest son paced around the kitchen.

"It's been three days Dad, three days and he hasn't got any better. He has shut himself off from us, he wont talk to me, he's acting as if nothings wrong, hell he's mad at me for not getting you to let him go back to school. Dad I've never seen him like this and I don't know how to help him." Dean said as he stopped his pacing and turned to look at his Dad.

"He could always talk to me Dad, there has never been anything he couldn't tell me so why is he shutting me out now?" Dean asked.

John could see the hurt and desperation in his son's eyes, and while deep down he felt the same he knew he needed to try his best to reassure his son.

"Dean, he'll be alright, he's just dealing with it the only way he can…" John started only to be cut off by Dean.

"But that's just it, he's not dealing with it. Sam has never been one to hide his emotions; you know that, the kid wears his heart on his sleeve, but it's like he has changed Dad, he's become cold and unemotional, that's not Sam." Dean said in a strangled whisper.

John let out a sigh, and shook his head.

"I know Dean, I know and to be honest I agree with you but Mattie's funeral is today and I think it'll be good for Sam, give him some closure and allow him to grieve." John said as he stood and put his hand on Dean's shoulder.

"It'll be ok Dean, Sam is a strong boy and between us we'll make sure he'll get through this." John told him.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSN

"Morning Sammy, do you want breakfast?" Dean asked as he watched Sam come into the kitchen.

"Hey Dean, I'll just have some cereal, thanks." Sam replied, leaning his head on his arm.

Dean watched as Sam manoeuvred his cereal around the bowl with no particular interest.

"Dad's gone to collect our suits from the dry cleaners." Dean said, watching as his brother's head snapped up.

"Why?" Sam asked, looking as if he really had no idea as to why the suits would be needed.

"Why do you think Sammy? It's Mattie's funeral today, we'll need to wear our suits." Dean replied.

"Well I wish Dad had said, he could have saved himself some money cause I'm not going?" Sam said as he returned to his cereal.

"What do you mean your not going? Of course your going Sam, he was your best friend…" Dean asked, wanting to get up from the table to shake his brother just to see if he could get some sort of response, something other that the neutral, unemotional answers that he had been getting from him. He was unprepared for what was about to happen but the phrase be careful what you wish for would come to mind later.

Sam stood suddenly, his hand sweeping in front of him and flinging the cereal bowl off the wall where it smashed into a million pieces.

"Stop saying that Dean, he wasn't my best friend, how could he be my best friend? He took a load of pills so that he would die, he wanted to die and he didn't care about who he was leaving behind. How could he do that if I was his best friend? He was a selfish bastard, who cared about no one but himself." Sam shouted as the tears started to fall.

"If I was his best friend then why didn't he come to me and tell me what was going on in his head. If I was his best friend then how come I never realised that there was something wrong? How could I not know that the person who I spent most of the last year with was suffering in silence, suffering so bad that he thought that the only way out was to kill himself? I thought he trusted me they way I trusted him, why didn't he tell me Dean, why didn't he think he could talk to me. I saw him that night, I had only left his house an hour before they say he took the pills, how could I have not known that there was something wrong?" Sam continued, the tears streaming down his face.

Dean moved quickly to close the distance between them. Grabbing Sam in what could only be described as a bear hug, urging his brother to calm down, fearing that Sam may actually have an anxiety attack.

"It wasn't you fault Sam, I swear to you that it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done Sam; Mattie was in a bad place and for some reason he thought it was the only way out. It's no ones fault, there was nothing anyone could have done." Dean said as he held Sam's face between his hands, ensuring that the younger boy was looking him in the eye and that he had his full attention.

"I didn't know Dean, I swear I didn't know. If I did I would have done something, I would have helped him. How did I not know Dean?" Sam asked, big teary eyes staring up at his big brother, desperately pleading with him to explain how this had happened.

"Because sometimes Sammy people wear masks to protect them, they put on a front and pretend that everything is ok when it's really not. So looking from the outside, everything seems fine, but on the inside they just aren't happy and for some reason they don't feel that they are able to tell anybody. It doesn't mean that he didn't love you or trust you; whatever was going on in his head was just to big for him to handle alone and was something he didn't think he was able to share. But you can be assured Sam that whatever was going on in his life, whatever pushed him to do what he did, you were a glimmer of light that shined in his life and made it a little bit better for him as he was trying to fight off the darkness." Dean looked at his brother with tears in his own eyes.

"You light up the lives of everyone you come into contact with Sam; especially mine and Dads. Don't ever forget that Sam." Dean said as he leaned forward, resting his forehead against his brothers.

Hearing the door open, Dean looked up and saw his father enter, holding the two suits he had gone to collect.

"Everything ok boys?" John asked, seeing his son's embrace and the mess on the wall and floor.

"Everything's just fine Dad, Sam was just about to go for his shower, weren't you Sam?" Dean said as he moved away from his brother, giving him a little smile as he turned to get a cloth to clean up the mess.

Sam turned to his father and took his suit. Seeing the tearstains and red eyes on his youngest, John reached out and put his hand on his sons shoulder.

"You ok kiddo?" he asked, giving Sam a smile.

"Yeah, thanks Dad." With that Sam was gone, up the stairs and into the shower.

John turned to see Dean cleaning up the mess and moved too help him.

"How's he doing?" John asked as he began picking up the remaining pieces of the cereal bowl.

"He blames himself, thinks he should have known that something was wrong or wasn't a good enough friend that Mattie didn't think he could turn to him." Dean said as he moved to the sink, turning around and leaning back.

"God Dad, there is no way to make this better is there?" Dean asked

"That's the thing with suicide Dean, that's what makes it so tragic, it's the questions and the uncertainty that it leaves behind. You look at it and wonder was there something that you could have done differently, were there signs but at the end of the day no matter how much you love someone or care for someone you can't control their lives." John said, standing facing Dean.

"That's kinda what I told Sam. Do you think he'll be ok?" Dean asked, tears in his eyes.

"He will Ace, it'll take time but he'll get there, we'll make sure he does." John replied with a smile.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSN

The funeral was horrible; the devastation on Mattie's parents' faces tore at Dean's heart. Sam had been quite for the most part, but had not brushed him off when he put his arm around his little brothers shoulder at the graveside.

As the funeral ended, and people scattered, Dean waited with Sam suspecting that his little brother would want to say his own goodbye to Mattie. Watching as Sam moved closer to the graveside, Dean saw Mattie's parents move towards his little brother.

"Sam, thank you for coming." Mrs Reid started. "I know how close you and Mathew were. I want to thank you for being his friend Sam; before you came here he had no one. Your friendship meant the world to him…." Tears rolled down her cheeks as she broke down, her husband putting his arm around her to comfort her.

"Then why did he do it?" Sam asked so quietly that Dean almost didn't hear him. Moving towards his brother, he stood behind Sam, his hands on each of his shoulders.

"Don't Sammy, now isn't the time." Dean said quietly. Sam turned looking between Dean and Mattie's parents' tears rolling down his face.

"But I need to know Dean, I need to know why, I need to know what I did wrong." Sam pleaded. Dean didn't get a chance to respond as Mrs Reid moved forward and put her hand on Sam's face, turning him to face her.

"Oh Sam, there was nothing you could have done. Mattie suffered from severe depression, he was on medication to help him but…. it wasn't your fault Sam. He valued your friendship so much, from the day he met you he never stopped talking about you and the things you were doing." Mrs Reid told Sam.

"But why didn't he tell me that he was depressed?" Sam asked.

"All Mattie wanted was to be normal Sam, with you he was normal and I think he was afraid that he would loose that if he told you." Mrs Reid sobbed.

Sam just nodded his head, using the back of his hand to wipe away his tears.

"I'm really sorry" Sam said, before turning to Dean.

"Can we go home now?" He asked his big brother quietly.

"Sure we can kiddo." Dean responded, turning Sam who began making his way out of the cemetery. Before following he turned to Mattie's parents.

"I'm really sorry for your loss." Dean said as he turned to follow Sam.

Ever since he had heard the news, heard that Mattie had taken his own life, Dean had been angry with him. He couldn't understand how someone that had a loving family and friends could do something so selfish and not care about the effects and devastation it would cause to those that he left behind. But now he couldn't be angry with him anymore, all he could feel was sorrow. He couldn't help but wonder how bad things must have been for him that he could willingly give up a loving family and the possibility of an unlimited and unknown future, that he could give up on himself knowing what he was leaving behind.

Catching up with Sam at the gate, Dean put his hand on his shoulder.

"You know you can tell me anything Sam?" Dean asked, needing the reassurance. Sam stopped mid stride and turned to Dean.

"Yeah Dean, I know I can." Sam replied nodding.

"Good."

"But you know it goes both ways Dean, you can tell me anything too?" Sam asked, his eyes filling with unshed tears.

"Yeah Sammy, I know." Dean responded with a smile.

"Come on Dad will be waiting on us. How do you feel about pizza for dinner?" Dean asked.

"Sounds good to me Dean." Sam replied with a smile. As they started walking to the Impala, their father sitting in the driver seat, Sam nudged his shoulder off Dean.

"I call shotgun." Sam said before taking off in a sprint towards the car.

Dean took off after his brother, not really trying to catch him. He could see his father smiling in the drivers seat and for the first time since this happened, Dean felt that Sam would be ok. He knew it would take time, knew that Sam would carry his grief with him forever but he promised himself that he would be with him all the way.

**The End**

**Thanks for taking the time to read – please please please review – hopefully it'll help me to over come my writer's block.**


End file.
